As an American guy married to a Japanese woman, I get a lot of questions from western guys about what it’s like to be with a Japanese girls. It’s a very good question actually, and I’ve got a lot to say on this subject. Grab a notepad and a pencil, because I’m about to teach you how to date a Japanese girl (the right way). Spoiler alert: it’s a little different then dating women from other places.
The short answer to this question is that dating a Japanese girl requires patience and empathy. If you have neither of these traits, you are likely not going to do very well.
Japanese culture focuses around honor and respect for others, which makes it pretty much the opposite of western culture. This was something I didn’t know when I started dating Japanese women back when I was still single, and it led to a few very embarrassing and awkward situations.
How to date a Japanese girl (in five easy steps)
Remember: dating in Japan is not like anything a western man has typically experienced before. Don’t let that scare you though. As long as you know what to expect (and how to act), you’ll do fine. It’s widely known that many Japanese women are attracted to western men, so it’s not like it’s going to be an all uphill battle or anything.
Step 1: You have to look in the right places
By far the easiest way to meet a Japanese girl (if you’re not in Japan) is online. eHarmony is one of the best places to do this (because of how popular and diverse it is), and you shouldn’t have any difficulty meeting girls right away as long as you aren’t a total misfit or something.
Note that many Japanese girls do speak English (it’s required in Japanese schools), so the language barrier won’t be as difficult as you think. Do your best to speak to her in Japanese if you can though – it will greatly improve your chances of meeting someone great.
If you want more information, be sure to read my in-depth guide to meeting Asian women online.
Step 2: Treat her with honor and respect
One of the most important things that I’ve learned about Japanese culture from my wife is that women in Japan are often treated as second-class citizens (even in this modern day and age). It’s getting better than it used to be of course, but she’s told me some chilling stories about male chauvinism in the workplace that would be completely out of line here in the United States.
Basically what I’m trying to say is that women in Japan feel frustrated most of the time. They are used to being seen as objects and possessions by their husbands, and (as a matter fact) that’s why some Japanese women seek western men. They are attracted to the fantasy of being with a true gentleman – just like what they see on TV and in movies. It’s really difficult for them to get that from Japanese men.
Showing a Japanese woman honor and respect will be a major turn on for her. It’s that hope of being treated like a queen is why she will be likely to start talking to you in the first place.
Step 3: Cut the sarcasm
I’ve mentioned this in several other recent posts, but it’s worth repeating again: Japanese culture doesn’t appreciate sarcasm and dry humor the way we westerners do. I remember one time we back in 2005 when I was chatting online with a woman named Nae from Osaka.
We were both in our early 30s back then, and she was extremely timid and shy. She was also extremely kind and nice, and very fun to talk to. I certainly wasn’t trying to offend her when I made a joke about how “old” she was.
The chat ended abruptly, and it wasn’t until a couple days later when I finally reached her again via email that she told me she was extremely offended by my comment. Long story short: Learning how to deal with extremely sensitive women is one of the most important steps when it comes to learning how to date a Japanese girl.
The easiest way to avoid the sensitive issues is to cut the sarcasm entirely. At least until you can really get to know her and understand what she does and does not think is funny.
Step 4: Don’t expect a sexual relationship in the beginning
I shake my head in disgust every time I hear a western guy say that he is trying to meet Japanese girls because he heard that they were “really easy.” I know the truth (which is that they aren’t) and it fills me with joy to know that he’s setting himself up for a bucket load of stress and rejection for making ignorant assumptions.
Fact: Japanese girls are very traditional in the sense that they don’t sleep with every guy that they meet. Hook up culture is definitely not a thing in Japan, and it’s one of the last places in the world you want to go if all you’re doing is looking for a sexual encounter.
That being said, Japanese culture isn’t as traditional as Malaysian culture for example. Malaysian girls will (under nearly no circumstance) have pre-marital intercourse with a man. This is due to strict religious and cultural beliefs. Japanese culture, on the other hand, isn’t a strict and premarital sex isn’t all that uncommon. All I’m saying is that it’s not going to be as easy compared to most western countries.
And if by change you get that far, having a sexual relationship with a Japanese woman is typically…different.
Step 5: Learn to be modest
If you’ve been paying attention so far, my hope is that you’re starting to understand that being modest and polite his how you’re going to succeed dating Japanese girls. To break this down as simply as possible, here is a list of things you need to do if you want any success dating women from Japan:
- Hold the door for her when walking into a house or a building
- Encourage her and tell her that she’s beautiful (this is huge since this is something that many Japanese men don’t do)
- Make an effort to learn her language. You don’t have to become completely fluent in Japanese, but making an effort (no matter how small) will show her that you care about her enough to try.
- You must be willing to entertain the idea of living with her in Japan. This is something I talked quite a bit about in my article about what it’s like to live with a Japanese woman, and I highly recommend you read that because it’s very important.
- Being able to show modesty is very important to a Japanese woman. Nobody likes a flamboyant showoff. Especially girls from Japan.
The last point is arguably the most important one from that entire list. Learning how to date Japanese woman requires modesty over all else. After all, modesty is the sign of a true gentleman, and that is what most Japanese women are craving.
A few final thoughts about learning how to date girls from Japan
The most important bit of advice that I can give is this: you MUST have patience. If you’ve never dated a Japanese girl before, you are likely to make a few shameful mistakes in the beginning. That’s OK. As wrong as you learn from them and make it appoint to be a better and more educated man because of it, it’s OK.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and slap my younger self silly for being such an insensitive fool when it came to dating Japanese girls. However, I was very committed to it, and I learned from those gaffes. Take my word for it. I eventually married an amazing Japanese woman in 2010, so I must’ve learned something decent along the way.