Pros and cons of marrying a Japanese woman (consider this a big fat warning)

I don’t think that most western men fully understand the pros and cons of marrying a Japanese woman.

• On one hand, you’ll probably eat very well, and your house will always be clean (Japanese people tend to be extremely organized).
• On the other hand, Japanese culture is extremely unique and it doesn’t jive all that well with other cultures. Uncomfortable compromises will be necessary.

As an American who has been married to a Japanese woman since 2010, I can tell you that it’s been about 85% great. The other 15% has been really difficult. We’ve talked about divorce more times than I can count, but neither one of us really wants to go through with it.

Pros and cons of marrying a Japanese woman

Despite how challenging it has been for my wife and I, we are still both very happy in the relationship. It’s been a very rewarding, fun, and educational experience. That said, our marriage hasn’t gone exactly the way we planned.

Note that the following pros and cons are very different than the pros and cons of dating a Japanese woman. Once you get married, everything changes.

Pros

• Being married to a Japanese woman has greatly expanded my perspective of the world. No longer do I look at everything from an American point of view – I try to see things from a Japanese / Asian perspective as well.
• You’ll get to discover a whole new world of delicious – and disgusting – food. Umeboshi (sour pickled plums), Konyaku (rubbery yam-based gelatin), and Natto (putrid fermented beans) are still disgusting to me after all these years of marriage. However, I’ve learned to love oddities such as fish eyeballs and octopus balls.
• Cleanliness and organization are core parts of Japanese culture. This means that your home will always be clean when you‘re married to a Japanese woman. She will expect you to do a lot of the cleaning though, so this might not as much of a “pro” to you if you’re sloppy and disorganized.
• For me, one of the most exciting things about having a Japanese wife is our annual trips to Japan. It’s a beautiful country, and I always enjoy going.
• Another core part of Japanese culture is loyalty and respect. Sometimes I’ll do things that are really annoying to my wife (not on purpose of course), but she keeps negative thoughts to herself and rarely says anything bad if it’s not really that big of a deal.
• You’ll slowly morph into a better person. You’ll learn to be more polite, respectful, and more tidy.
• You’ll get to discover firsthand what Japanese people are really like. I had no idea how racist and xenophobic most Japanese people are until I married a woman from Hiroshima. It’s been very eye-opening to realize that Japanese people have flaws just like the rest of us – even though they hide it so well.
• Japanese women tend to me more open-minded than westerners think. My wife doesn’t even bat an eye at some of my silliest of ideas.
• You will be loved and respected (as long as you give it in return). Japanese culture is all about honor and respect, and is especially true when it comes to marriage. Even if she learns to hate you over time (lol), she will still respect you.

Cons

• Dealing with cultural differences (and making compromises) is hard. Things I do naturally as an American are offensive to her (such as wearing shoes in the house), so I’m constantly worried about doing something that is going to be a problem.
• It’s not easy to live with a Japanese woman if you’re totally entrenched in the western lifestyle. She likely won’t appreciate your big SUV, big screen TV, and tattoos.
• Her long-term goals may not jive with your long-term goals. For example, my wife wants to spend her retirement years in Japan. I, on the other hand, want to spend my retirement years here in the US. I have no idea how we’re going to deal with that.
• If your Japanese wife comes to live with you in your own country, be prepared to deal with the headache of immigration forms and documentation. I’ve explained the process of getting a green card for my wife after we got married. Long story short, it was a long and stressful experience.
• The sex probably isn’t going to be all that great. Of course, it depends on how experienced she is and or how much she enjoys it. In general, many western men find Japanese women to be boring in bed. Having sex with a Japanese woman isn’t at all like what you’ve seen in porn.
• The language barrier will be difficult at times. My wife’s English is pretty good (though not perfect), and my Japanese is still very limited. Because of this, very simple conversations sometimes turn into arguments because we can’t understand what each other is saying.
• You might find yourself an uncomfortable situations just to keep her happy. For example, I very much dislike going to the onsen (public bath) whenever we go to Japan. Sitting around with a bunch of other naked guys in a hot steamy room is not my idea of fun.
• She might not always tell you what she’s really thinking early on in the relationship. Japanese people are non-confrontational, and will often suppress their true feelings to avoid conflict. Not only does this make it hard to know if a Japanese woman likes you (when you’re still dating), but it’s even worse after you get married. However…
• As the marriage goes on, she still may not tell you what she’s thinking while out in public, but she will definitely let you know in private. My wife used to hold everything in at all times, but now (in the privacy of our own home), anything goes. Japanese women can be fierce!

The best thing about being married to a Japanese woman

For me, the best thing about being married to a woman from Japan is how it changed my perspective on things.

I’m a just a regular white guy born and raised in the midwestern US. I’ve always approached everything with an American point of view.

• I like muscle cars.
• Long road trips are my idea have a good time.
• A big house on a large piece of land is my ultimate goal in life.

Being married to a Japanese woman (and seeing things through a Japanese / Asian perspective) has changed me.

Not completely, but I have come to realize that I’ve been a very greedy and selfish person for most of my life. I’m actually scared to think how selfish and bigoted I might have been if I never married her.

The worst thing about being married to a Japanese woman

Struggling with cultural differences has been the biggest challenge in our marriage. I know for a fact that my wife would agree with me on this.

Her Japanese culture and my American culture mix like oil and water, and we end up driving each other crazy sometimes. It’s amazing to think that Japanese women like American men considering how different we are.

She’s very patient and careful with everything that she does. I’m the complete opposite, as I like to get things done quickly with as little effort as possible.

I think she’s too slow. She thinks I’m too careless. We’ve both come to the conclusion that this is never going to change, so we’re working hard to appreciate and understand each other‘s point of view.

It’s hard.